The gift of fury.
"When we deny the magnitude of our hurt or anger, we decrease our capacity to heal. Truth first, then reconciliation." Truthbomb
I've discovered the difference between expressing anger and feeling anger. As a child anger in adults upset me highly, it frightened me, it set my entire being into a frenzy. Anger was sometimes followed by pain, physical, mental, and even spiritual pain. When grown ups got mad, negative actions were taken. I didn't like anger at all.
As a young mother, I felt rage a few times and it scared me so badly that I decided to bury anger very, very, deep down.
Over the years it's popped up from time to time and I always either suffered in silence or acted unskillfully with anger. I guess I thought the goal was to never have anger. So that is what I worked on while shaming myself and acting uncontrollable when it did rear it's ugly head.
In my quest to fill my life with love and light, I've found that less and less things anger me, I'm able to be in the moment and contemplate the real reason for what was happening....most of the time.
I have a person in my life who I love with all my heart. This person has been a huge part of my life, as a friend, family member, and soul mate. In the last twenty years this person has succumbed to alcoholism and many other addictions that have destroyed his life and turned him into a selfish, mean, and frankly, extremely dangerous human. He has repeatedly harmed people that I love including my children, our animals and myself. For some reason I have suffered in silence. Not wanting to let anger arise, not wanting to act unskillfully or unforgivably. Not wanting to ostracize this human, not wanting to admit that he is not who he once was, not wanting to admit that I don't like him anymore, that his actions are literally abusive. I've made excuses, I've justified his actions, and I've even swept them under the rug to protect his character. I am a helper, a healer, there is nothing that I wanted more than to just give him enough love, say just the right thing, put him in just the right energy, light, that he would find his way. The thing is, though, free will, he wants to be this way. That's the hard candy to chew.
Just recently he showed up and was dangerously reckless, and made my beautiful children incredibly uncomfortable. Despite their begging him to stop he carried on with abusive actions, while I basically checked out to keep the peace. After suffering through the days events, which felt like a day of absolute torture, I sat feeling sad, guilty, and just hopeless. Here I am this person who wants to help people become their greatest self, and I can't even help my own family. I didn't make a stand, I never screamed that this is unacceptable and you need to stop. Why? Fear. Fear of losing him, fear of being out of line, fear of making everyone uncomfortable, fear of being the bitch. So instead I allowed this reign of terror to carry on yet another time.
The next morning i awoke after several dreams in which I was a violent warrior. I felt different, weird, MAD! I went for a long walk which usually brings me back to center. I just felt more powerful, more mad, more like a mother bear whose cubs had been tampered with. I went for a drive for fear that I would unleash this on my family. As i drove around I felt it fill my entire body, my face even got hot and I shook, absolute FURY. Something needs to change. I was more and more comfortable with the feeling, it felt so similar to passion. Not even one more time will I put up with being abused, being walked on, being treated so disrespectful. Not even one more time will anyone feel comfortable exposing my family to any kind of disgusting, drunken, acts that make them feel uncomfortable.
For the first time in maybe forever, I felt like the shawl of being nice that I had been wearing had been thrown to the ground. I began to breathe so deeply and think so clearly, creativity flowed. Ideas came rushing to me, I felt fearless. I wrote articles, I made future plans, I fearlessly dreamed about everything, and I instantly had no more concern for what people thought. The thought carried over to every aspect of my life, functions that i was expected to attend that I didn't want to were going to get a polite no, people who pay me consistently late for my services were going to be addressed, all of the things that I endure because I want to keep the peace and be nice had instantly been made visible to me. I felt so free, not like i thought it would feel.
After coming home I explained to my seven year old how I was sorry for not speaking up when she was uncomfortable and how amazing it was and beautiful that she had such a good sense of intuition to know what is right and wrong and how I would never allow that to happen again. I explained to my older children and my husband the expectations I had of humans that enter our sacred space and the energy that they will need to possess and how I was willing to speak up for these demands of other humans. They seemed relieved and scared at the same time. They didn't know this new creature. I sat down that night and created a beautiful life plan and was able to connect to spirit in a way I hadn't been able to in quite some time. I realized, I'm here to be the voice for those without one. I HAVE to speak up. If not me then who? I thanked God for this ugly scene that brought forth the anger that was necessary to push me to be the change.
I haven't actually had to speak to anyone about their actions around my family yet but I'm not afraid of it, and I have a guideline of where and how I want things to be. I definitely know what I will NOT allow. Don't mistake me, I still believe to each their own, and that there are many different ways to live life, but as for me and my house, the comfort and respect of the inhabitants is of my utmost concern.
Things have been different in the past but guess what, that doesn't mean that they have to stay that way. If you want to come to my house, please bring your colorful jokes, your saddened heart, your beautiful love, and even your frustrations. Express them and I will help you work through them. Do not hold us hostage, do not disrespect us by doing what we've asked you not to and don't you dare put us needlessly in danger.
Anger opened up my throat chakra, being angry helped me to realize that I am passionate about protecting children, anger helped me to stand in my own power, anger taught me that I know what is right and what is wrong and I feel free to express it to protect those who aren't ready to. Anger felt but not expressed has brought me closer to home.
Thank you I love you.
Love and Light