Thinking about thinking. I decide to get a gift for a friend, I go through all of the things she likes and then add a "what if" to each one and end up getting her nothing because I can find a reason that she may not enjoy each one. I get a gut feeling about something and then Twist it from every single angle I can think of until, I don't even know anymore what the original thought was. This happens so fast, seconds to be exact. I can destroy an innocent encounter in seconds by making it into something that it isn't. I have a dream. I look up the meaning of the dream and then somehow I come to the conclusion that I have cancer. My brain is so loud! I, for some reason, can leap from my intuition telling me a person is hiding something to they are a mass murderer, when the reality of it is they just cheated on their diet. Honestly the longer I let something hang out in my brain the more chance it is going to get changed into something different.
I fantasize about lounging under a tree eating an apple without a care in the world. Nobody needs me right now. Nothing is going to happen if I just sit here and eat this apple in total bliss. I'm not slacking. There is nothing else I should be doing. I don't care if my gut is not sucked in. I don't care what another human thinks of me at this exact moment. All I care about is eating this delicious apple in absolute comfort and harmony with every other living creature. All is well, people are good and happy and this is the best apple I have ever had. How long really does it take to eat an apple? If you luxuriously draw it out maybe 8 -10 minutes, maybe! Can you remember the last time you were in absolute bliss with not a care in the world for 8-10 minutes? I mean I have instances, brief encounters of bliss, but not 8-10 minutes straight. What the hell? I don't allow myself 10 minutes a day of sheer joy? I want this! I don't want to be solving some problem, healing an old wound, making a new intention, or making sure everybody around me is comfortable constantly, forever. But I am. For 8-10 minutes I want to lay here in the sun under a tree in the most comfortable clothes imaginable and eat a delicious apple.
Mediation, you say. Yes I mediate every day! I've been using it to center myself, ground myself, get information from my guides. Diligently doing the work, trying to retrain a lifetime of negative thoughts and desperate outlooks. I just can't help but feel that I've turned the art of chilling out, of being zen into a hard core gig! I have this strange sense of urgency about relaxing, about the finish line. Constantly I find myself dreaming of a day when I am completely at peace. When I have done all the forgiving there is to do. When things just run on autopilot. What if the whole damn thing is just about this one moment, for each and every moment? What if we are to practice joy, forgiveness, and love in every moment and the story will unfold as it will? Even if we take 10 minutes to eat an apple. The balance is the key. Do the work, enjoy the work. Push hard, love the pushing hard. Do your best, enjoy your best.
Today I will give myself the ultimate luxury of letting all thoughts go, of letting myself be unscheduled, unwatched, unruled for 8-10 minutes. Not thinking ahead to what I am going to say, how I am going to act, how I can do my very best. Just sitting here enjoying the utter perfection of an apple, a tree, and the sun. Stopping to relish in the crispness, the sweetness, the juiciness, and beauty of this simple fruit. Not how nutritious it is or if its organic or GMO free, just that it and I are here right now, in the perfect scheme of things melding into eachother, even slowing time. I owe it to myself to savor as many slow moments as possible.
Love and Light