Fear is of the past, anxiety is of the future and you are in neither, be present..
About a week ago I received a phone call from a woman claiming to be the producer of a radio show. She said she had come across my business page on Facebook and wanted to give me an eight minute spot to inspire others to live their passion. Instantly I was skeptical and just as instantly i was petrified and then came hope.
I got all of the information, scheduled the interview for as far out as possible and set out to prove that this was a hoax. Why? Because it was too good to be true. Because, apparently, I have self doubt issues. Because I don't want to be made a fool of. Because I am scared to death to be vulnerable. I searched every social media, google, using all of my mom stalking skills and I could only find one bad review. The reviewer was let down because she felt that the only reason they did the interview was to sell her an ad later. Honestly, it was legit. Your spot would be heard by anyone listening and you received a link to your interview on Youtube which you could then share and have forever. It was a good deal.
I decided since i was feeling so much anxiety over the situation that I would make some of my rules about it. Rule 1. If they don't send me a confirmation email with preparatory questions then I'm not doing it. Two days before the interview I received an email detailing what we would discuss and sample questions to prepare. Shit. I sat down wrote out the questions and wrote my best answers. I was dissatisfied with my answers, I wanted them to be funnier, more original, more insightful, and then I timed the whole sample question and answer deal and it was like three minutes. Frustrated and defeated I decided to , wing it. If you know me, anything I plan on winging, ends up getting last minute cancelled for lack of preparation. This is my egos way of getting out of something scary.
The night before the interview, i began to obsess. I realize that this was really not a big deal. I don't know anybody, besides my eldest daughter, that actually listens to this sort of talk radio so it's not like anybody I know would hear it. I couldn't sleep, i reread the email a thousand times and internet stalked them again desperately searching for something to discredit them so I would not have to do it.
The morning of the interview i began to make some new rules. Rule number 2. If the baby is awake at the time of the interview i can't do it. Rule 3. Oh my gawd, my throat was tight, my chest and stomach heavy, my head spun. I shut the ringer off on my phone and had all but decided not to do it, it was a sign that I shouldn't do it, my feeling this way. I had convinced myself that I shouldn't do it. Deep down, I knew that with this much irrational fear, I SHOULD DO IT! My phone lit up with a text from the only person I told about it, my daughter "Are you ready?" I threw my phone to pretend I didn't see it. I began to think of excuses and reasons why I couldn't do it. Fifteen minutes later and a half an hour before the interview I texted her back "bleh.....no".
"mom you got this."
"I really don't feel like it's valid....."
"Idk I'm listening to it now and it seems legit, it's going to be great"
"I read stuff that they want you to buy a spot afterward"
"Just don't buy the spot, just take it for what it is"
and then the truth happened
"Don't be scared, it's just a conversation"
"I'm so scared I'm crying"
Just saying it, just acknowledging it, just stopping lying and making excuses about it, made me feel so so good.
In five minutes I had a huge healing moment in front of my child. I cried said hello to my old friend fear and decided to trust in my God. I asked that he give me courage and be my voice, that whatever is to be is his will and I will go along with it. I know what you are thinking, this is such a small thing to ask God for help with, it's just an interview. It was a metaphor, a platform for my whole life. For a thousand and one decisions, and lack of decisions, it was about trusting in the path, being present, and releasing fear it had all boiled down to this seemingly small instance about a damn interview.
All of the sudden I just knew, this was the lesson! It wasn't about the interview at all it was totally about my acceptance of gifts or rather my declining of them. They weren't even going to call. They didn't, but the fact is that I had relinquished control, I decided to go with God's will, to face the fear, to say I would do it. How many times in my life have I made excuses to not do things because of fear? I'm actually really good at coming up with legitimate reasons not to do things because I'm scared. I'm not going to take that job because I might not like it, I'm not going to say how I feel because they might hate me, I'm not going to buy that car because it isn't cool, I'm not going to speak my truth because it's not popular. Fear has kept me in prison. 100% of the times I've been afraid of something it has turned out to be way less of a big deal than my wild imagination has built it up to be. What are you afraid to do? Now is your chance. This moment is here, look it in the eye and jump. What has come to you time and time again and fear has stolen it?
My advice? Notice fear, acknowledge that it is fear, decide if it is rational or not and then look it in the eye and say thanks, but I'm doing it!
Love and Light
P.S. Thank you Jackie Jean for being such a cheerleader for your mama all these years:)