My life isn't "bad", so what is wrong with me? Why am I so ungrateful for all that I've been given? I know people who have it worse, way worse. What if my friends don't like me anymore? What if I don't resonate with my husband anymore? What if I lose all of the parts about myself that I like?
These were some of my fears when the whisper of change began in my mind. I remembered, vaguely, a colorful land I used to visit as a child, a really happy land, in my mind. It wasn't like a fantasy of a TV show, it was more like an ultra colorful earthy place where ANYTHING was possible and happiness was normal. I read a quote (I often pull myself out of funks by reading one liners) that said, what would young you think of the woman you are now? Oh crap....she would kick my ass, throw a fit, be so mad that I had turned into exactly the kind of grown up that she despised!
She would be stoked on only a few things, but mostly she would say that I was a sell out. Good enough was not her goal. Survival wasn't in her vocabulary. She shot for the moon, and sometimes beyond. This comfortable life with a decent warm house, going to bed at 8 every night to watch TV, letting my appearance be "pretty good for 40".....no way! When I thought of all this, I felt sad and guilty and overwhelmed. Then I began to justify my choices, she didn't know what it was going to be like, everyone else does it too, the kids, the money, the husband, the responsibilities, it's not all exciting and to be honest somewhere along the line I just lost my inspiration and got lazy. At some point I got tired, and decided to coast for awhile and then before I knew it, that was my life.
Passion is sometimes a novelty we reserve for youth. Passion takes work to rekindle over and over and over again, I'm willing to work. Coasting felt good, but passion, ohh passion feels delicious. The drive to find passionate joy grew in my belly. Smoldering at first until all of my doubts became I don't cares. I don't want to live this life in a zombie like coma of "comfortable". I want to see the most vibrant colors. I want to notice the birds , the clouds, the sunrises and sunsets. I want to feel the rain on my face. I want to live out loud. It became a full on inferno. I began to do research, I read Waking Up by John Earl, several times which led me to many, many other books. What I was doing was research. Passionate research about how to find more passion. I tried new things, I faked it sometimes, and I fell, a lot. Every new opportunity that came my way i took.
Keeping a journal the whole time was the only way I could truly measure my progress. I was so impatient that there were days that I thought I was crazy and these thoughts were futile. I was so strapped with the beliefs that acceptance and making the best of it was my only option. Until I began to read what I felt a year earlier. My life was just getting through every day and now my life sends me tummy butterflies of excitement at least once a day.
I fell asleep reading one night and my husband fell asleep watching TV. I woke up and a simply dressed man was sitting in a chair on the TV. He said to me, "If everything smells like shit, then wipe the shit out from under your nose." I have no idea what program this was or who this man was. I woke up the next day thinking it might have been a dream? I still don't know, but the message was crystal clear. You can take it so many ways...if you don't like your life then change it, change the way you are looking at things, change the things you are saying- whatever way you look at it, change is central.
If you feel the burn, if you are driven to find the passion, if you are ready to be filled with joy, so filled that you fill all of those around you with joy, then begin. Begin now! Small steps are still steps toward a more passionate life. Look into something you've always wanted to know about. Research other regions. Plan a trip. Find someone that you know that is tearing it up how you want to and research them! Learn from the greats. There is a place where the colors are more vibrant, that joy is rampant and where "everything is groovy" -I live there now.
Love and Light